who am i

he doesnt even know me

we are together all the time

everyday

every night

i know him

i know everything about him

i know what he eats

i know what he drinks

i know how he feels

i do not know what pleases him?

he knows nothing about me

he does not know the thoughts that run through my mind

the darkness

the wicked thoughts

the terrible terrible thoughts

he has no idea

no idea what it is i need

he has no idea what it is i want

he has no idea what makes me happy

but

the question is..

do i even know who i am?

Why

why do things have to be so difficult?

why does it seem like the smallest things are huge?

why do i feel so unhappy all the time?

why do things seem so perfect but do not feel perfect?

i know that i am not attractive anymore

i know that i am too sensitive at times

i feel unwanted

i feel worthless

i feel like i am missing something

i feel like someone hit the pause button on my life

i want happiness

i want love

i want marriage

i want babies

i want honesty

i want commitment

i want to be honest

why do i feel like being honest is not the way to go?

why?

Diary Of A Nympho

How did I get here?

It started in the 11th grade.

He told me, "come on, just touch it".

so i did.

Why has my life become a sexscapade ( is that even a word )

I feel like I want sex more than anyone I know. More than a 19 year old boy.

Is this a bad thing. Is there such thing as wanting too much sex?

What is there even a normal amount of sex to have?

If he does not want it all the time, he doesn't love me?

Why do I have these thoughts. I have decided today, I am going to write a blog/diary novel.

About my life everything that led up to the way that I am now. Every dirty detail. Be prepared.

He's Makin Me Think

He belives that what is in my mind,

is much more enticing that what I've got between my thighs.

He doesn't try to get a girl out of her panties by offering her a drink,

No this brother is different and he's making me think.

Maybe all guys arent the same,

maybe they all arent trying to play us like we a game.

Callin us out our names bringin us pain and drama,

doing things to us that they wouldnt want dont to they daughters, sistas, or they mamas.

Naw this man has a whole different agenda and different plan,

This brotha appreciates, respects and knows just how to treat a woman.

Like a queen, like these niggas out here aint tryin to see,

Thinkin they runnin thangs thinkin he the shit just becasue he got these panties, nigga please.

Lets switch it up and say that i got you outta yo drawls,

cause when it was over you was the one blowin up my cell phone with all the calls.

If you wanna be real, if you even know what real is,

because im real and if you know me you already no this.

My real eyes, my real nails and yes my Puerto Rican blood gave me my real good hair,

But most importantly im real on the inside but most these niggas cant see or dont care.

Blinded by these video's with excuse the term "ho's"

with fake eyes and trashy clothes.

Fake nails and weave down to thier asses,

they need to take out those contacts and get som glasses.

So they can see whats going on cause this brotha right here is unique,

he keeps it so real and he's makin me think.

Rihanna and Chris Brown

Alonna MsXo Leverett wrote at 4:04pm She must have told that Nigga to SHUT UP N DRIVE!!! and he said Fuck it .. he was gone TAKE HER DOWN!! Delete

Nikita Renee wrote at 2:42pm lol...girl...bitch should have been screaming "SOS..please someone help me!" Write on Nikita's Wall - Delete

Alonna MsXo Leverett wrote at 2:21pm Girl... All Im saying is.. maybe it had something to do with Rehab.. cause there was definitely some Disturbia... I wonder if hit her with an Umbrella Ella Ella Eh EH EH. How about.. How about Chris in the Truck all Scrunched up.. He Look so Dumb Right Now..... Delete

Nikita Renee wrote at 1:59pm Girl... is it safe to say that Rhianna was NOT listening to "Breaking Dishes" the another nite when she got tapped by Chris Beezy!!!? "Ima fight a man tonite!" Lmfao!!!!

Ok so The President is Black

I had a talk with some White Folks today..
And it actually made a little sense what they said.
Its funny how Hollywood and all these Singers and Celebrities
are so supportive of our new president.
How everyone is Partying and Celebrating.
It took for a Black President ( who truthfully is half white and was raised my his white mother)
to bring people together. To get people to actually start caring about our country.
To get Black People to Vote! Black people never cared about voting before. Which means they really didn't care who led our country or what happened to it.

I mean its cool we got a Black dude in office .. but whats really going to CHANGE.
If anything I feel him being elected is a huge risk.

If he is assassinated It will be Civil War all over again.
This country will be torn apart.


Dont Judge me by any of the comments Above.. they are just thoughts..
Only one who will Judge me is God.. when I die.

0-60

Its funny how your emotions can go from one extreme to the next. One minute I can be feeling really positive about me and my life and just everything. Then just like that someone can set me off, or bring me down, or just throw me off my shit. You know. I really dont feel like talking much today. Why don't you all talk to me .. for a change..

What do you feel is your biggest flaw? And how to you overcome your insecurities?

Old Fashioned

So if you didn't know I live with my grandmother now, since granddad passed away. Whether I want too or not she and I have been having a lot of conversations lately. I have been telling her about how things are now and she has been telling me about how things were in the past. She has a hard time understanding why when I go out with a guy, I drive. I like the control of being able to leave when Im ready and the comfort of not being stranded. But then I thought about it, it would be nice to have a man come pick me up and take me out for a change. I mean thats how they did it back in the day. I guess that would step my game up and get me involved with a better class of men.
Lets do a little comparing.

Men I usually come across...
One night stands
After 2 a.m. bootycalls
Men without a car
Men that only want to fuck me
Men that don't have jobs (real jobs)
Men that live with thier parents


Now the men I should be after...
Men that will take me out on dates
Men that will call me during the day.. just to say hello
Men that I can go to sleep with without fucking
Men that have real jobs
Men that have a vehicle or home or thier own

Im pretty sure there are still men like that out here. I mean I hope that there is.

Although I want to be independant I also want to be
not so much a housewife .. but..
I want to wake my husband with kisses every morning, I want to get up and make breakfast. I want to surprise him with candle lit dinners and bubble baths after he gets off work.

I want to make babies and be a mother and have a real family.
And take vacations and go bike riding and go to museums and waterparks and beaches and just do the whole family thing.

*sigh*
I dunno...
Maybe times have changed. I dont think men want those types of things anymore.

Its My Bodyyyyy and I'll Tatt If I Want Too!!

Ok so I been gettin a lot of shit from grandma concerning my tattoo. The tattoo that she helped me design. And was cool with it .. up until the day I went to get it. WTF ? Its a full back tattoo, it isnt complete yet. Its actually pretty fuckin sweet lookin too. I will attach a pic here. But anyway, She been throwing lil shots at me like Im too old for that.. When does a person become too old for a tattoo, because If im not mistaken my father has gotten 4 or more tattoos in the last two years. Whatever, Its my body though. If I want to tatt it from head to toe that is my choice. Im actually contemplating on gettin a sleeve done next. Then she compares me to others.. Your sister would never get anything like that.. ok .. Im not my sister. When will people understand that I am an indidvidual. That I am capable of making decisions. That I am creative, and artistic, and Im not normal. Im not plain Jane. I will never be. I will always be different, I will always be unique, I will always be ME.

Just An Old Blog thought it was kinda funny

I'm feeling like a dork these days. Using my brain more than ever. lol. I usually don't need to . but people have been on my back about helping them with computer issues, and things like that.

Ok so yesterday at the bar (work) I went to the dollar store and purchased a notebook and began to write.. my thoughts are hella funny so I thought I would type what i wrote. Mind you, that most of it wont make any sense at all. ok ready .. here goes.

Alrighty then, So I have way too much going on in my little brain right now. I just started my new Job at the plant, D.T.P ( Ford Motor Company new Dearborn Truck Plant ) Im making nearly 22 dollars and hour. The work is hard all hell though. Im doing a 100% turn around. Well Im going to at least try. Paying my own rent, bills, insurance and all my other shit. Everyone has always doubted me, Its almost a chance for me to prove them wrong.

Im mainly worried about my personal life, I think Im really trying too hard to look for love. They say you shouldnt look for love though they say it will find you. If that is true, then why cant love find me, am i hiding? I want to be happy, I want a family and I want to settle. And truthfully I believe that all the men in my life arent ready for that nor are they even looking for that. So its damn near pointless. a waste of time. And with my taste and my lifestyle, I need a man that has his shit together, someone smart, with goals, with a job, and someone who treats me good and respects my feelings. Someone who doesnt already have a woman! Someone who can satisfy my needs as a freak ( lol) and as a woman. I mean I gotta get mine, ya feel me? Then men now a days arent about shit. The worst of them seem to fall into my lap. I dont know what it is that attracts me to Mr. Wrong, Mr. Dummy, Mr. Asshole, Mr. Aint Shit, Mr. I Got A Woman, and Mr. Broke Ass. I mean like there is a sign on my forehead that says "Pick Me, I will Settle For You" Let me break down the type of men in my life now.

Ok ... Mr Dummy/No Dick

* No dick (gives head well though)

* Gives me whatever I want (even if that means not paying his bills)

* Cannot manage money

* Is a pushover, not aggressive at all

Then we Got Mr. I Got A Wife/Woman

* Sex is Bomb (great physical attraction)

* Cannot spend the night

* Cannot go out to every place you want to go (fear of being seen)

* Its not all about Me

* Share time with her

* He never answers his phone

Oh I almost forgot about Mr. Im Drunk What's Up

* Calls in the middle of the night

* only have drunken sex ( usually falls asleep after first nut)

* wont remember why or how he got in your bed the next morning

* usually he has a woman also

Then we have Mr. Right, but not Right Now. a.k.a Afraid of Commitment

* Sex is when he wants it

* He can do whatever he wants .. but you cant. (ex. hanging out)

* You do everything you can to make him happy, but its never enough

* He has no regard for your feelings

* You know that he loves you and cares about you, but will never express that.

I mean really what does a girl have to do to get a good man now a days. Someone who wants her who cares for her... blah

What most worries me is the men that are going to be using me once he finds out about my job. And I already know who the first candidate for that is going to be. Im sure Im making more money than his wife is now. and I dont have any kids. I mean honestly, what nigga can deny Good head, pussy, and no kids. Thats some straight up rare shit these days. well.. that is all

I know.. i got issues yall... but you love me...

smooches.

EVIL?

what do u see in my eyes?
dont they just look dark?
My eyes are empty

they almost put u n a trance

eerie
some say confused...
but... isnt confused an excuse .. for reality?

some say pain...
how can you really see pain in someone's eyes..
They don't know me! They don't know what I feel.


Beauty .. some say ...

i think.........

i think its pure evil..

if bad things make me feel good...
isnt that evil?

the more difficult the situation the more gratifying..
isnt that evil?

if i am not supposed to do it..
i want to do it bad...
isnt that evil?


its hard to convince myself that i am still beautiful.
and still admired.
and still wanted

but why do i have to convince myself.. ??

what if i dont have a purpose?
you know how everyone has a purpose in life..

what if i dont have one..??
whats the point??

they say you have to love yourself...

what if i dont?

who's to judge me?

Shopping... should be fun .. right?

I Love New Things. I Love New Clothes. I Love New Shoes.

I HATE...............THE MALL!!!


Ok, so here we are me and my sister at the mall. There are probably say 100+ stores in the mall and out of them all. Only say maybe 4 stores have clothes that fit me. Skinny girls think they have a hard time finding something to wear. Please! If I could wear skinny girl shit, I would have no problem finding cute clothes to wear. No problem.

Oh and dont go into a skinny girl store without a skinny girl either.
here is a story. . . .
So, I went to the mall for my sister to buy her this dress she wanted. Cool. No problem sis.. So I walk into BEBE. Of course all eyes are on me. The girls are obviously thinking. "what is she doing in here, there is nothing here to fit her" but their confused looks turned into smiles and they asked me could they help me. I responded with yes I am looking for a dress.. for my sister.. The girl says.. ooooooooohhhhh .. ok.. well... [im going to stop there] *HOLD UP* wtf was all the ohhhhhhhhh for? Like I was lost or something. Like ohhhh now she understands why my fat ass is in here.


I mean, most skinny girls say well its my own fault. Or ok just lose weight. Dont you know if it were just that simple there wouldnt be as many fat people in this world. Over-Eating is an emotional disorder and an addiction. The more weight you gain the more emotional you become.. so the more you eat.. So is Over Drinking.. which also cause weight gain [and is my biggest problem] You drink.. you are happy at first.. then become depressed then become hungry. Whatever the case, most weight gain is caused by some kind of emotional stress.


Ok back to the shopping. Like I said, I Love To Shop.
Its just not fun anymore.
I cant wait to get this weight off me.. I swear..
Imma tear the mall down! lol

Everyone Is Not My Friend

This is something I have always had a hard time with. For as long as I can remember I have always put my trust in strangers and other people outside of my family. Usually it ends up bad in the end. I get double crossed, hurt, or cheated in some way. I have had people use me. I have had people take advantage of me. I have had people run over me. I have had people steal from me. Ok, so some people say I'm dingy, or not really that bright, or gullible. All these thing may very well fit my personality in some way but, I am no ones fool. Yes, my zodiac sign is a Cancer (Nurturing, Loving, Caring, TOO NICE) Time for me to get smart. This year its time for me to weed out the people in my life that are not out for my best interest. The people that only call when they need something. The men that call at 2 a.m. on the weekends. The friends that are never there when "I" need them, but I am always there for them.
Everyone Is Not My Friend.
I Get It Now.

Serious Discussion *lol*

Krissy:thinks that Dora the Explorer should stop making promises that she can't keep. Stupid bitch.

Alonna:its the map its the map its the mappppppppppp... i think the map and boots are a bad influence on Dora.. She should really start kickin it with Swiper .. he seems mad fun!

Krissy:Boots is a sex offender. I mean seriously. Who wears rubber boots when it isn't raining???

Alonna: lmao @ sex offender. And Rescue Pack shits on Back Pack! Have u heard him spit?!

Krissy:Yeah Rescue Pack is definitely way more talented. But Diego... we'll save him for another day. And his useless ass sister.... sigh.

Alonna:lmao! Go To Bed!

Brandi:Ya'll goin stop goin hard n my girl though. You know that's my baby's BEST FRIEND!!! Did you know they make Dora EVERYTHING!!!LOL.

Krissy:Your baby needs to make some new friends Ms Brandy Wine!!

When Dora suddenly starts instructing your children to go loading up in spaceships and taking intergalactic trips without asking a parent for permission first then come talk to me about how great she is.

OH WAIT!!! She already has done that episode!!

Brandi:u just mad u did t think of that. You need to find her and let her put you on her payrole! She's some talent you can represent!LOL

Alonna:Its more than obvious that Dora is also a Cult Leader. She goes around claiming to be everyone's best friend. Then what? when its time to cross that river to deliver those packages someones going to have to take the fall.

Krissy:Alonna ..... LMFAO lol lol lol
I been watching The Wire all day so that just about made me choke lol lol lol

Fat Girl

I suppose its like being drafted from a winning team to a team that always loses and no one follows. Or maybe its like a hit record with no more to follow * a one hit wonder * .
Or kinda like having the leading role then breaking your leg and giving it up to someone else.

I remember the Spotlight.
I remember when I could have any man I desired.
I remember all eyes being on me.
I remember having men fight for my attention.
I remember being adored.

Now who am I?
A has been.
A Once Upon A Time.
That girl in the background.

I mean, I suppose it has been a reality check for me. Maybe I had a big head, maybe I rode a high horse, maybe I was too big for my britches... *they fit me now* not funny.

Anyway. I am now. THE FAT GIRL
The girl who gets what she can. The girl who gets sympathy "hellos" and courtesy Hugs.

Not for long. Time to get my life back. Not for the attention. Not for the Spotlight. More so for my own self gratification. I miss my confidence, I miss the love of shopping, I miss the excitement of a night out, I miss being beautiful.

2009

2008 REVIEW
Every year I think to myself.. "This is going to be my year".
But here we are going into 2009 and nothing has really changed too much.
Ok So, I do have a great job now. That is probably the only one positive thing that came out of this year. On a sad note, we lost granddad this year so that will be something we will not forget about 2008. I gained a stalker this yearand had to get my first PPO. So. Basically what Im trying to say is.. Overall.. this year sucked.

2009 RESOLUTIONS AND THOUGHTS
Will 2009 Be My Year?
Things that I want to find in the New Year:

Myself... Im getting really close (damn near there really)

True Love... yea I know.. kinda bold just throwing that out there but a girl can dream! I mean I want a family, babies, the whole nine. lol *my day will come* but the clock is a tickin!!

A Church Home.. Yes I am determined to find a church this year. I have had trouble in the past gettin comfortable in a church and finding a church that I enjoy attending and can grow with.

Something I enjoy more than SEX and LIQUOR... *Dont you Laugh!* I am being serious. I can already think of one thing more Important.. HAPPINESS. and Happiness means alot to me.. more than liquor or well.. yea more than liquor.. LMAO!

An Affordable Gym.... I mean I wanna lose weight but don't want to go broke doing it. There is this new one my sister told me about. I should check it out $10 a month.. sounds great.. but what is the catch? ya feel me.?

A New Look.... Not just Weight Loss.. I'm talking hair and nails and make up.. clothes... just completely New everything.

To design my Graphic Design Web Site and get a damn Business Card. .....I have been puttin this off too long.

Hobbies and More Activities... Fuckin GOLF i don't care just something to get me off my ass.. maybe I will join a bowling league its been so long.. but I love to bowl. why not.

Dates.... and Im not talking about leaving the club drunk at 2:30 a.m. calling someone and well.. u know the rest.. Im talking real dates. I have had a few recently and I enjoyed them very much for a change.



CONCLUSION:
HOPEFULLY EVERYONE HAS A HAPPY NEW YEAR, AND FOLLOWS THROUGH ON THIER RESOLUTIONS. i KNOW ITS TOUGH, BUT ITS POSSIBLE. MAY YOU BE BLESSED AND MAY GOOD THINGS FIND YOU THIS YEAR. GOOD LUCK AND MUCH LOVE TO YOU ALL...


HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!!!!!
Feel free to comment or share any resolutions you have for 2009!!
oh P.S
NYE DETROIT SCIENCE CENTER!!! BE THERE OR BE SQUARE!!

Wonder Woman

Wonder Woman

so...here i sit,
wearing my Wonder Woman
pajamas--
can you imagine?
being in love with
Wonder Woman,
this amazing superhero
from decades ago?
i am.
after all, i can say,
"i slept with Wonder Woman".
it makes me wonder
what people must think
of me--
i wear Wonder Woman pajamas.
i makes me wonder
what i think of myself...
i'm an insomniac.
it drives me crazy,
to think about sleeping
while lying wide awake.
i am crazy,
i believe.
and it gets harder to
distinguish
my dreams from my reality
'cause both are
fucked up and
i can't tell them apart
around midnight.
but i am--
a girl, that is,
a woman.
and i can become
a bitch
because i am a woman,
a sexy bitch,
sometimes, even.
that's part of who i am.
i'm a lot of
things--
isn't everyone?
changing like a werewolf
in the light of
the full moon.
the last full mooon
drove me nearly to
madness,
full moons make me
a
raving lunatic,
shouting strange words
at the air
and cursing
god and the devil and
other people
i'm not too fond of.
there's one person
particulary,
i'm now only his
forgotten ex-girlfriend.
what a label.
well, trying to be
forgotten--
i ignore all his
phone calls.
i spent nine months being
ignored and pushed around
and now i'm JUST
"EX-GIRLFRIEND"?
don't i deserve
more?
but i don't want
more,
not from him.
mostly, i just feel
incomplete.
a half-painted canvas--
what fucked-up
artist
left ME half-painted,
not finishing
or destroying?
must be a sick joke.
"this is too beautiful
to destroy
but
too ugly to waste my
time finishing".
and LEFT me.
abandoned me.
i'm looking for him,
going to kill
the son of a bitch.
but i'm tired now,
this
ranting & raving
and
trying to figure
myself
out is exhausting
so
Wonder Woman and i
are going to try
to sleep...

MIND FUCK

HE- "HEY NICE TO MEET YOU. YOU GOT A NUMBER?"
SHE- "SURE 777-9311"
HE- "AIIGHT, IM GONE HIT YOU UP"
*THAT NIGHT AFTER THE CLUB 2:20 A.M.*
*CELL PHONE RINGS*
HE- "WHAT UP?"
SHE- "WHO DIS?"
HE- "DUDE YOU JUST MET AT THE *** BAR"
SHE- *OBVIOUSLY DRUNK* "OH HEY WHAT UP?"
HE- "TRYIN TO SEE WHATS UP WIT U, WHERE U GOING?"
SHE- "SHIT, IM DRUNK AS HELL (BAD MOVE) IM GOING TO THEEEE CRIB!"
HE- "CAN I COME TO THE CRIB WIT U?"
SHE- *DRUNK, HORNY, DAMN* "OK"


AND SO THEY MEET...
NOW THIS HAPPENS MORE OFTEN THAT YOU THINK..
SHE ENDS UP TALKING WAY TOO MUCH TO HIM BECAUSE SHE IS DRUNK, HE FINDS A WAY TO GET HER COMFORTABLE. HE GETS THE PUSSY AND THATS THE END OF THAT.


NOW A FEW DAYS LATER.... SHE WILL CALL..
SHE- "HEY WHATS UP"
HE- "WHO IS THIS?"
SHE- *WTF* "THIS IS *** FROM LAST WEEKEND"
HE- "OHHHH, WHATS UP , AYE SHAWTY CAN I HIT U BACK?"
SHE- "OH, SURE"


HE WILL CALL BACK....
BUT ..

HE WILL CALL BACK ... TWO WEEKS LATER ON A FRIDAY OR SATURDAY NIGHT
2:20 A.M.
HE- "WHAT UP?"
SHE- *DRUNK AGAIN* "HEY WHAT UP.. WHERE U AT?"
HE- "TRYIN TO BE WHERE U AT?"
SHE- "OH THATS WHATS UP"


AND THE CYCLE CONTINUES...

YOU CAN DEVELOP 5 OF THESE KINDS OF RELATIONSHIPS SO EASY.
HEADED NO WHERE.

THAT'S THE REASON I RECENTLY CHANGED MY NUMBER.
AND DROPPED ALL MY BOOTYCALLS.

SHIT GETS OLD AFTER A WHILE.